


Squiffy

by Seanbiggerstaffrox



Category: Teen Wolf (TV), teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: Dark Humor, Dubious Consent, Halloween, Humor, I feel like this might be crack, Incest, Incest Jokes, M/M, There may be tentacles at one point, Zombies, so if that's squicky for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 17:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1656662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seanbiggerstaffrox/pseuds/Seanbiggerstaffrox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This Halloween, Stiles has a crush on his dad, the whole town gets cursed, and what is even up with Derek</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can only explain this story by saying that I was tired and I thought it was hilarious

Stiles officially wants it on record that he doesn’t have weird pirate fantasies about his father. He doesn’t, not even a little, and the fact that his father’s dressed like a pirate for Halloween isn’t doing weird things for Stiles in the downstairs department. 

“Well, what do you think?” The sheriff asks, brandishing his hooked hand and looking at Stiles and Scott curiously. 

Sheriff Stilinski and Mrs. McCall are going to a Halloween party together. But not like together-together, because nope, dear god, please no. Not that Stiles would be jealous or anything. Stiles has totally normal, not-bonery feelings for his padre, thank you very much, even if the guy’s working that man-blouse and showing off just the right amount of dude-cleavage.

Scott glances at Stiles, who’s oddly silent, and looks quickly back at the eldest Stilinski, giving him a thumbs up. 

“You look awesome.” He says. 

Stiles still doesn’t say anything and Scott has to surreptitiously elbow him. 

“Great. Very authentic. I especially like the…earring. Is your ear pierced?” Stiles says. 

The sheriff rolls his eyes. Scott’s mom comes downstairs. 

“Wow, mom, that’s…” Scott trails off.

“…the same outfit.” Stiles finishes for him. “You’re both pirates?”

“Aaargh, me matey.” Mrs. McCall says, and she does a pretty good pirate voice. 

“Haul wind, bucko!” Sheriff Stilinski says, putting on his own pirate voice, and Scott and Stiles exchange an incredulous book. 

“Our parents are dorks.” Scott mutters as Mrs. McCall and the Sheriff leave the house. 

“Totally.” Stiles says, not staring at his dad’s ass in those trousers, because damn. 

Scott rolls his eyes and tries to ignore the smell of Stiles’ hormones. 

“What do you want to watch first?” Scott asks, looking at their movie collection. 

“I don’t know, something with zombies.” Stiles says dismissively. “Hey, you think our parents are…you know, into each other?” Stiles asks. 

Scott frowns as he plucks a DVD out of the collection. “Probably not. I don’t think your dad’s my mom’s type.” Scott says. 

“What do you mean not her type? Did she say that?” Stiles asks. 

Scott shrugs. “No. I don’t know. But, I mean, she liked Peter.”

“My dad’s as hot as Peter.” Stiles replies. “Hotter, actually.”

Scott raises his eyebrows. 

“What?” Stiles asks. 

Scott snorts. “You totally have a boner for your dad, you know that, right?”

“What? No! What? I do not!” Stiles protests. “He’s my dad, that’s weird. Why would you even say that?”

“Stiles.” Scott says. “I’m a werewolf. I can tell when you’re lying.”

“Yeah, well, tell this.” Stiles says, flipping him off. 

Scott smacks him with a throw pillow, officially commencing their bro night.

~`*`~ ~`*`~ ~`*`~

The evening doesn’t go as planned. Scott and Stiles were supposed to be doing a movie marathon and just hanging out, but naturally, everything takes a nosedive for the worst and now the town’s overrun by zombies or some shit. Turns out they’re the one thing Scott’s house isn’t warded for and he and Stiles end up running out to the front yard, because Mr. Kroger from next door’s just crashed through the back entrance and is making a valiant effort to get at some teenage cranium.

“What the fu-” Scott mumbles, staring out at the scene in front of his house. Zombies are everywhere, strolling the street and looking exactly like something from The Dawn of the Dead. Which Scott would know since that’s what they were watching before everything went belly up. 

“Oh my god.” Stiles mutters. 

Mr. Kroger comes out after them and Stiles ends up ducking behind Scott. Mr. Kroger takes a step toward Scott and then retreats almost immediately, bypassing him and heading out for the street to join the rest of the horde. 

“Huh.” Scott says. 

“Wow.” Stiles speaks up from behind him. 

Now that they’re watching, the zombies seem to be giving Scott a wide berth. 

“They don’t really seem…zombie-ish.” Scott says, reaching out towards a passing zombie, who flinches away. 

“You think it’s ‘cause your Mexican?” Stiles asks, peeking up from behind Scott’s shoulder. 

“Really, Stiles?” Scott says disbelievingly. 

“What? Come on, it’s plausible.” 

“Yeah, or it’s a werewolf thing.” Scott says.

“Yeah, it’s probably that.” Stiles says. “We should get in the jeep.”

Stiles uses Scott as a shield as they make their way over to the car. They get there easily enough, but when Stiles goes to get in, a zombie reaches out from under the car, grabbing at his ankle. Stiles screams, stomping on the hand, and Scott jumps to his rescue, growling and raking a claw through the creature’s forearm. Stiles shoves his keys in the door as the zombie retreats. Stiles and Scott hurry into the vehicle and Stiles locks the door, starting the engine and quickly tearing out of the driveway. 

“This is fucked up, dude.” Stiles says, smashing into zombies as he goes. 

“Way fucked up.” Scott agrees, flinching as Stiles runs over one of their teachers. They drive a couple blocks and Scott’s just about to ask where they're going when he has a sudden thought. “Hey,” Scott says. “Is it just me or do they seem like they’re, you know, headed somewhere?” 

Stiles frowns, watching the zombies more closely. They’re all going in the same direction, seemingly by instinct. “Shit.” He says. He’d been driving to Derek’s loft, for lack of anywhere better to go, but he quickly changes course. “The school.” He mutters, turning down a side street to take a quicker route. 

“Of course.” Scott mutters, because everything always leads back to BHHS. 

They’re halfway to school when they run into Derek. Literally. 

“STILES!” Scott shouts and Stiles curses, slamming on the breaks as Derek runs out in front of them. The jeep hits Derek full on, sending him falling onto the road. He recovers quickly, standing up, and in the high beams, Stiles and Scott can make out the tears in his t-shirt and the pallid, wide-eyed stare on his face. He comes around the side, pulling desperately at the door handle and shouting at Stiles to let him in the damn car. 

“Okay! Okay!” Stiles shouts, unlocking the door, and then Derek’s barreling into the jeep and cowering in the backseat. “Wow, what happened to you?” Stiles asks, shutting and locking the door again. 

“Just. Drive.” Derek bites out. 

“Seriously, Derek, are you okay?” Scott asks. 

“There was a tentacle…thing.” Derek mutters. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you have any idea what’s happening?” Scott asks. 

Derek shakes his head. 

They go quietly to the school, the only sound the thump-de-thump of Stiles running over zombies. Stiles pulls into the parking lot and kills the engine. They sit there for a moment, collecting themselves, before Stiles reaches back and pulls out his bat. 

“Right, we ready?” Stiles asks Scott, who nods. 

“Let’s do this.” Scott says.


	2. Chapter 2

Stiles, Scott, and Derek exit the car, stepping out into a parking lot full of zombies. They go for Stiles immediately, and the teen brandishes his bat, swinging at an undead man and knocking his head clean off. 

“Whoa.” Stiles says in the aftermath, spatters of blood staining his clothes and face. His victory is short-lived when, in his distraction, a zombie comes at him and Derek saves him by punching the guy’s head off. “Show off.” Stiles mutters. Scott tears one guy in half and Stiles decides he’s through with the both of them. 

The three of them fight their way into the school and barricade the entrance with a couple of chairs. It’s not ideal but it’ll do until they find something better. They follow the sound of 80’s pop music to the gymnasium, where the Halloween party is in full swing. 

“Why’d they have it at the school?” Stiles asks as they walk the corridor towards the gym. 

“I think the town hall was being fumigated.” Scott says. 

“On Halloween?” Stiles asks, nose crinkling in confusion. 

Scott shrugs. 

They get to the gym and push the doors open, freezing when they see the guests. There’s a fireman and a policeman and an astronaut. There’s also a Martian and an actual, for real witch, and a lot of sexy nurses. Everyone has, as far as any of them can tell, turned into their costumes. 

“Oh my god.” Stiles says, staring up above the crowd, because there’s his _dad_ , swinging from a gymnasium rope with a knife in his mouth and a jug of rum in his other hand. Stiles is trying very hard not to be turned on. 

Derek and Scott catch a whiff of him and turn away. 

“Dude.” Scott hisses. 

“Oh, shut up.” Stiles snaps, stomping into the gym. 

Scott keeps an eye out for his mom. She’s also probably turned into a pirate. Derek follows in after both of them, keeping his eyes peeled for Peter. 

“Okay, so people are turning into their costumes, right?” Stiles says to Scott. 

“It looks like it.” Scott says.

“So that means that the zombies out there…they’re real people.” Stiles says. Scott nods. “This isn’t good, Scott. I killed a lot of zombies tonight.”

“It’ll be okay, dude.” Scott says, putting a comforting hand on Stiles’ shoulder. 

“No it won’t. I killed our English teacher.” 

“At least we won’t have to do that essay.” Scott offers, trying to look on the bright side. 

“I already did it.” Stiles confesses. 

“Wow, that sucks.” 

Stiles frowns, glancing behind them. “Hey, did we lose Derek?” 

Scott turns to look. “Derek?” He calls. 

“You think he’ll be fine?” Stiles asks. 

“Honestly? No.” Scott answers. 

They call Derek’s name, searching for him through the crowd. 

“Avast, lads!” A voice shouts and Sheriff Stilinski comes sliding down a rope to land before them. 

“Dad?” Stiles says before he can stop himself. The sheriff frowns in confusion and holds out his hand in a friendly gesture. 

“Flounder Jim, at your service.” He says. 

“Flounder Jim?” Scott repeats.

“So lame.” Stiles whispers, embarrassed. 

“Um, Scott.” Scott says, shaking the sheriff’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Umscott.” 

“No it’s…nevermind.” Scott mutters.

“Umscott Nevermind?” The sheriff repeats. “Odd name.” 

“This coming from Flounder Jim.” Stiles grumbles. 

“You trying to start something?” The sheriff asks, glaring at Stiles.

Stiles’ eyes widen. “No, I’m not.” He says. 

“Good.” The sheriff says. “You got a name, knave?”

“Stiles.” Stiles says. The sheriff nods but doesn’t react with any sort of familiarity, and it really hits Stiles that his dad doesn’t recognize him at all.

“And you’re both looking for this Derek?” The sheriff asks. 

“Yeah.” Scott says. 

“I can help you find him.” The sheriff offers. 

“In exchange for what?” Stiles asks suspiciously, because they’re dealing with a pirate now, not his dad. 

Flounder Jim smirks. “You’re smarter than you look.” He says. “That all depends on what you got to offer.”

Stiles thinks for a moment, exchanging a look with Scott. He sighs. “If you find our friend I’ll give you…a magic box.” Stiles says. 

“Magic box?” The sheriff asks, sounding intrigued. 

“Yeah.” Stiles reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his cell phone. “You can talk to people across long distances and you can send messages. It’s called a-”

“Cell phone.” Flounder Jim finishes, looking unimpressed. 

“You know what it is?” Scott asks, surprised. 

“Of course I know what it is.” The sheriff says. 

Stiles huffs, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “Well, what do you want? Treasure? A solid gold eyepatch? A map to the lost city of Atlantis?” 

“No, no. I got all those things.” The sheriff says, waving his hook dismissively. 

Stiles blinks. “What?” 

“So what do you want?” Scott asks. 

Flounder Jim taps his hook against his chin in thought. “You.” The sheriff finally says, staring at his son. 

Stiles’ heart jumps then stops working altogether. He did not see that one coming. 

“You want Stiles?” Scott says. 

“You want me?” Stiles says. “For what? Like, sex things? Is this a sex thing?” 

The sheriff shrugs. “Whatever catches my fancy, really.” He says, turning around and starting to walk away. 

“That sounds like a sex thing.” Stiles says. “Or a torture thing.” 

“You want to find your friend or not?” Flounder Jim calls and they rush to follow. 

“You know, we haven’t actually agreed to the bargain yet.” Stiles points out. 

“You weren’t thinking of disagreeing, were you?”

“Well, no.”

“Stiles.” Scott hisses. 

“Come on, dude, you want to find Derek or not?” Stiles says. 

Scott chews his lip. “Okay, fine.” He says. “Maybe we’ll fix this before you have to…do whatever it is he wants you to do."

The sheriff takes them to the other side of the gym, where vines have grown out to create a little nook. He pulls the vines aside and steps inside the structure. Stiles and Scott follow hesitantly. Music plays inside, the 80’s anthem from the rest of the gym silenced and replaced with melodic flutes. 

“Halt.” Says a familiar voice. 

“Kira?” Scott says, looking at his girlfriend in surprise. She’s dressed as a female samurai and she’s holding her sword at the ready, studying them with suspicion. Her caution isn’t helped when Scott speaks her name. 

“I’m a friend of the fairy queen. I come bearing gifts.” The sheriff says, pulling a locket out of his pocket. 

Scott frowns. “Hey.” He says. “That’s my mom’s.”

Flounder Jim ignores him. Kira lets them through, but follows after them, keeping her sword by her side just in case. They step into a luxurious haven to find the Fairy Queen settled on a flower throne, clad in an outfit of leaves and glistening fabric. The top covers her breasts and the bottom wraps around her hips and falls down into a short skirt to cover her nether regions, but other than that, her body’s bare. Even her feet. A mass of wings spreads out behind her, flapping languidly as she studies them. 

“Allison?!” Scott and Stiles say at the same time. 

Scott stares at his other girlfriend (it isn’t as complicated as it sounds – they were all into each other, so Scott, Kira, and Allison decided to threeway date) and wonders why both of them are there. 

The sheriff presents the locket and Allison studies it calmly. 

“What do you want?” She asks, watching the necklace glisten in the soft light of her sanctuary. 

“A man has gone missing. We need to find him.” The sheriff says. 

“Name?” Allison asks. 

“Derek Hale.” Stiles says. 

Allison hums thoughtfully. “Have you tried the lake?” She asks. 

“Lake?” Stiles mutters.

“I think she means the pool.” Scott says. 

“To the lake.” The sheriff stands, offering a small bow to Allison before turning to leave. 

“Kira.” Allison says, smiling softly. “Join me.”

Kira walks toward Allison, who pulls her into a kiss, and Scott gapes.

“Dude, come on.” Stiles says, steering Scott out of the fairy cave. 

“Stiles, I think they’re cheating on me.” 

Stiles looks at Scott sympathetically and pats him on the shoulder. 

“They’re probably not. I mean, they are now, but I mean, outside of the spell or whatever this is, who’d cheat on you?”

“They wouldn’t tell me what they were doing for Halloween.” Scott mumbles. “And they came here together.”

“Scott, it’s the town’s Halloween Party. That’s not, like, hot date night. That’s more like lame parent night.” 

“I guess.” Scott says. 

“Look, we’ll break the spell and you can work out your relationship problems. And I can avoid torture-fucking my dad.” Stiles says. 

Scott nods and they make their way to the swimming pool. When they go inside, they don’t find Derek, but they do find a gigantic ship. 

“Avast, tresspassers.” Mrs. McCall shouts from the bow. Scott barely gets the “Mom” out before a cannon goes off and a pirate war breaks out.


	3. Chapter 3

Debris rains down from the ceiling and Scott’s ears ring. Beside him, Stiles is clutching at his head and seems to be shouting something, but Scott can’t make it out. Through the blur of dust and smoke, he tries to find his mother, but he can barely see three feet in front of him. Stiles’ father has disappeared too, and Scott’s worried that he might have been injured in the damage. 

Scott grabs Stiles’ arm and helps steer him through the mess of smoke and wreckage, and as the ringing fades, Scott can start to decipher the sounds of battle. Pirates seem to be spilling out of the woodwork, brandishing swords and knives as they go at one another. Scott manages to get Stiles out of the pool room and out into the hallway. Stiles is still clutching at his ears and he looks to be in massive amounts of pain, so Scott doesn’t try to talk to him. Instead, Scott leads him down the dark corridor, looking around wildly in case any more shenanigans breaks out. 

Scott frowns as his foot loses traction in something wet and, studying the linoleum floor, he discovers that moist footprints are leading through the hallway. He follows them, taking Stiles with him and being careful not to let his friend slip. The prints lead down one passage and then another. Scott sees a long line of bizarre, slick wetness accompanying the foot marks and it has a weird smell to it, kind of like cucumber and algae. 

In the background, Scott can hear the battle waging in the pool room and, just beyond that, the sound of the party going on in the gymnasium, but everything up ahead is silence, cut only by the sound of Scott’s steps and Stiles’ unintentional whimpers. Scott wishes his mother wasn’t indisposed, or he’d leave Stiles with her. Stiles doesn’t smell like he’s bleeding though, and the injury isn’t fatal. However, Stiles does look pale, his skin abnormally white under the dried zombie blood from earlier. 

The wet prints lead Scott and Stiles all the way to the boy’s locker room. Scott turns the handle slowly and pushes the door open. 

“Go away!” Derek’s voice comes from inside, but it’s not directed at them. 

“Derek?” Scott says. 

“Scott?” Derek shouts. “No, I said stop it. Go away.” Derek orders. 

“Dude, we’ve been looking all over for you. Are you okay?” Scott keeps making his way into the locker room. There’s an odd squelchy noise coming from inside and the smell of cucumber and algae is far stronger now.

“I’m fine, I’m just – ow, did you just bite me! Dammit Peter, get off!” 

Scott and Stiles round the corner quickly and find Derek up on top of one of the locker rows. Peter is above him and he’s…well, feeling Derek up with his tentacles. 

“IS HE AN OCTOPUS?” Stiles shouts, because he can’t hear for shit and isn’t sure what a normal speaking volume is anymore. 

Peter’s kind of half man, half tentacle-creature and he’s pretty keen on Derek at the moment, wrapping his limbs around his nephew and pressing heated kisses to Derek’s neck. 

“How’d he even get up there?” Scott asks. 

Derek tries to push his uncle off, but Peter just shifts, holding Derek tightly and continuing his ministrations. Derek’s soaked and shirtless and there are already a lot of hickeys and suction marks on his skin. It looks like Peter’s been dragging Derek around and going at it for a while. 

“Can somebody get him away from me?” Derek grits out. 

Scott tries. Scott really, really does, but Peter’s adamant. At best, they just get Peter to settle on Derek’s back and cling to him, which at least gives Derek enough freedom to walk around. It takes effort to keep Peter there, but Scott manages to intimidate him a few times, which seems to encourage him to stay put. 

“Did you guys find anything?” Derek asks, trying to ignore the way Peter’s nuzzling at his neck and stroking his hair. 

“Not really. We were kind of busy looking for you.” Scott says. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Derek asks, nodding at Stiles. 

“Pirates.” Scott explains. 

Derek nods like he understands, because it’s just easier that way. 

“So, what’s the plan?” Derek asks. 

Scott shrugs. “I have no idea.” He admits. He thinks hard, mind flashing back to earlier. 

_“I think the town hall was being fumigated.”_

_“On Halloween?”_

“The town hall.” Scott says. 

“What?” Derek asks. 

“Fumigation on Halloween night? There’s no way.” Scott says. 

Two hours later sees Scott, Derek, and Stiles coughing as they stumble out of the fumigation tent covering the town hall. Turns out it actually is being fumigated and in the time it took to get there, Stiles killed, like, 18 more people. The sun also started coming up. 

“DUDE, IS IT MORNING?” Stiles shouts, because his hearing still isn’t back. Which probably means it’s a good thing there wasn’t a secret coven of witches doing a spell ritual in the town hall, because Stiles would’ve totally given them away. 

Scott sighs, rubbing a tired hand over his face. So far, this rates as probably his worst Halloween, and they still haven’t found a way to break the spell. 

As the sun works its way up over the horizon, Peter lets go of Derek’s back and gives a surprised shout, falling to the ground and writhing in pain. His tentacles flail and bubble, twisting together and slowly growing from green to tan. His legs form slowly, but surely, until soon he’s completely back to normal. Except for the fact that he’s bottomless. 

“OH MY GOD.” Stiles says, covering his eyes. 

Scott looks away uncomfortably and Derek just glares. 

“What,” Peter gasps in the aftermath, staring up at his nephew, “just happened?”

**Epiloque**

Nobody remembers what happened. Scott, Kira, and Allison work everything out and things go back to normal. Too normal. Stiles frowns, picking at his food. Scott looks at him sympathetically from across the cafeteria table.

“You okay, dude?” Scott asks. 

“Yeah, it’s just…" Stiles sighs. "It’s not the right ending, you know? I feel like I should be making out with the sheriff on the back of a white stallion while we ride off into the sunset.” He says longingly.

“Okay, you know calling him ‘the sheriff’ instead of ‘my dad’ doesn’t make it any less creepy, right?” Scott says. 

Stiles huffs, flicking mashed potato at his friend. 

“Sorry.” Scott says. “Look on the bright side, nothing too bad happened.”

“I ran over people. Like, _a lot_ of people. They’re calling me The Automotive Assassin.”

“They don’t know it’s you.” Scott points out. 

“That’s not the point, dude. Plus, a pretty big chunk of the school got destroyed.”

“Now we can get extra funding to fix it.” Scott says, striving for positivity. Stiles gives him a disapproving look and Scott deflates. “Fine, yes, it’s a mess. But hey, it can’t get much worse, right?”

"I guess." Stiles agrees. 

That’s when the trolls show up.


End file.
